looking for a- home

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precite am="" big="" birds="" birds.="" cities="" familiar="" i="" in="" last="" longer="" love="" names="" not="" of="" on="" point.="" quite="" sure="" the="" we="" where=""

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Santiago de campostela

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Effortlessly remember a picture not yet painted.

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Bowl me over wherefore and water meet, kind of a trend i am realizing i am changed already knowing you are near, and taking myself out from the confines of my behaviour. Things told, the acknowledgment that with you I can functionat 6am, 4am, 3am, anytime, we look for the bell and don’t find it. Breakfast. Many green fields. Cabbage, pink building, lost in space.

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it's honestly a bit of a draft

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i'll stay up for you
i'll talk you through your banal dilemmas
i'll go to the store with you
i'll give you all the attention you need until you need it anymore

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oatmeal with nuts and seeds, cauliflower soup, tiny carrot, spoon of pb and jam, sauerkraut, egg, smoothie, prunes

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there's a very sour smell that has infected the house, as if the walls have turned. they are white like milk. but one is pink, like mould.

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so ridiculous to read "7 tomato salad", "eight melons" - wonder if he is talking about the whole (as in tarte-tartin) or slices, pieces, servings

i dont think he ate any nuts or seeds, snacks really. mostly at restaurants

nor did he really eat bread or pastry. but yes cakes

2 dandelion salads with bacon

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Patricia i remember you
why did you come back to my life now
im happy you did
your pants are so wide
one restaurant per week
a small pottle of overnight oats
leftovers
sauerkraut
church tower
i hear the bells through my window in the afternoon
like i did in the last house where i lived
describing street names and important people
chances, christian, alix, patricia
coherent a backwards j
i am not even avoiding you i just dont have the time
invisible ink a bottle
wide late white parts
imitation via a front page recommendation
care to tower, stay with me
slow and steady, small
mlecz
mleczny

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English has become a place of solace. i like it again even if it dont want to speak it

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Mum's dad suitmaker, babcia jadzia worked for him and learned the trade

worked under the table was caught, went to get certified and started her own business. took in interns who would live with mum and babcia - their families would pay

mum good at everything math sports singing

singing scout, singing in front of the choir

babcia sewing buttons or whatever. mum reading or singing

babcia wanted her to work in the city hall and be an accountant

taining sport. hurdles, freshman, wasn't supposed to compete, fake name, gra┼╝yna

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Perec's really out on the street - doesn't pay heed to the idea of accessibility, the inability to go out, be recognized

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I can't write about anything real or temporal because in reflection i am not there, am fooled, or have failed

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Franz Hals has no less than 29 shades of blue

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dense blocks of foreign print which hung, tantalizingly, just beyond the reach of my comprehension

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privation and austerities. weak tea without sugar and hungry to bed

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Notes about “Doe in Meadow”
Painted by red light at night. While i have an idea of what the colours will be im not totally sure until morning
Size determined by no. of watercolor pages given to me Teak
Water used: nyc tap water (filtered through Brita and unfiltered), Essentia
Music listened to (each piece often repeated)
-Philip glass dances
-Rebe - decir adios
-Vladislav delay - huone
-Solange - stay flo
-Plankton album
-Khotin - your name on a grain of rice

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Receipt Paper Notes:
the receipt paper, that i got for free from the machine

many, many days, nobody came

it wasn’t every day that i had time to draw, but it’s chronological

in these drawings i use a lot of repetitive symbols. the star i think of it as an easy way to describe the lost little pony in the desert, and becomes friends with the bright star in the sky.
the boots, the boots i would describe as “yas mama!”

this is me having a really silly crush

i start to notice that everyone in the restaurant is sitting down, so chairs becomes luxurious fantasies in my mind

one of the waitresses there was name violet

the social environment of du lookee in the beginning was one of the biggest influence for the drawings. violet was the waitress. i began to celebratize her as she slowly opened up to me. she’s just transferred from the hard rock cafe, and told me to loosen up more in a rock and roll fashion, i learned she lives in a hotel with four people, no kitchen, one bathroom, somewhere in the mission, no privacy, she has a dream where she’s a pink blob with short fur and was very cute but because she stood out from the rest of her country she was excommunicated and exiled. she eventually reveals to me that she was a sixteen plus year professional ping pong player from bulgaria,

everyone’s trying to lose weight

i start drawing customers as trains, and friends of mine

that’s me wearing heels

the 86th mandate came from a customer. start viewing the customers as royalty, basically.

i don’t really realize I’m working anymore, i become really excited to get to go to du like, as i get to draw all the time.

as the restaurant became more busy, i began doing more note taking instead of drawing

that’s just me being a little captain, not taking orders from nobody

some of these symbols i don’t really know why I’m doing them until a couple of months later

if every single table in the world was secretly a pc gaming rig

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Terre Thaemlitz:
Even in instances of outright patronage, where my financial remuneration is a lump sum unaffected by ticket or product sales revenues, there is still the need to provide the employer with information and materials convincing them of the validity to "invest" in my works for their non-financial "returns" (cultural, philosophical, etc.).

Things that are “not working out”.

Today, any viable critique capable of "reaching the people" (to varying degrees a demand of every media publisher and distributor, as well as academia - U.S. academia in particular) must emphasize romantic desires to "make things better," engaging a psychological denial of an immediate material need to simply end what exists but is unacceptable and replacing it with hypothetical notions of what could be/what should be.

The only way I an achieve a better life for myself is not via structures or creating structures or believing that structures will support my happiness, it is investing in people, relationships, my own health however I define that not how others define it, it is staying completely generous and unwavering.

It's the Punk's dilemma in that the purity of our artistic intent is measured by our economic failure - a failure which is all but guaranteed by the terms of our contracts. The result is an enormous pool of producers laboring under an egocentric assertion that "nothing matters." Not wealth... "although wealth would be nice." Not fame... " although fame would be nice." Mundane conversations laughed over backstage. On stage, walls of sound hold back oceans of philosophical emptiness, leaking into the tides of market demand.
**untangle this**

I said that I did not believe in social transformation or revolution, nor the value of individual artistry, nor had any interest in pretending that "alternative" media industries which mimic dominant industry qualify as alternatives to anything. I said that we must approach "alternative" music industries with the same suspicion as major labels, treating them simply as employers like any other, and the best we could do is to steal their monies through whatever fees and advances we can get hold of so as to weaken their organizational power. And if we are to work for free, as this industry so often demands, that it may be better to reserve our pro bono energies for secretive and undocumented activities disconnected from any media production or distribution, not out of any idealism about sub-culture building, but rather to redistribute funds in unaccountable ways while providing as little free labor to industry as possible - mainstream or alternative, dominant or sub-cultural. Doing something other-than-concert. Something other-than-pleasure. Something other-than-entertainment.

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If I poach enough eggs I will use all the vinegar leftover. Looking medicinal or feeling industrial.

From communication to information - u can buy and sell information

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Dziga Vertov is cheeky

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We own the image. Fantasy comes from the ghosts. Fantasy is what people in the North own. We are concrete. The image comes from the Mediterranean. Orestes knows his way, where Hamlet is torn apart by his doubts. -Gaudí

Gaudí’s fasts

He enrolled in the Piarist school in Reus where he displayed his artistic talents via drawings for a seminar called El Arlequín (the Harlequin.

He lived in Francesc Ullar's house, for whom he designed a dinner table as a sign of his gratitude, until 1925, several months before his death, when he began residing inside the workshop of the Sagrada Família.

In 1916 he participated in a course about Gregorian chant at the Palau de la Música Catalana taught by the Benedictine monk Gregori M. Sunyol.

As a religious man, he made several pilgrimages and trips all over the Catalan Province and the South of France to enhance his spirituality and to contemplate nature, as he would later declare: “Originality is to return to the Origin.” With the realization that nature is the work of the Almighty, his deep spirituality would make him add “I am no creator, just a copyist.”

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I started to walk because I felt I could walk a long time today. I could hear snow falling. I was asleep. Thinking of your voice, I thought, I really thought I could walk for a long time today. Maybe I was wrong. Today is not a good day for walking. I misunderstood today’s weather. I can not see even points of snow anywhere. If this. Maybe I misunderstood what I hear.
-From Wi's "Metric of Distance" mix

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Standing for an extended period of time. Waiting. What is she waiting for? Does it need more than that? A performance? This only works outside of gallery or formal settings. In public. What is my story and why am I not moving? Maybe wear a particular outfit? As a statue. Looking sad or somber. Stood up. Standing up. Leaning. Maybe I could do it with someone else on the other side of the street. And we look at each other most of the time right in the eyes. Purpose. And people look where we are looking as they pass by and see us watching each other. They look at me look to see where I am looking look back at me and look forward. Awkward. In two doorways. A stand off.

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We were sitting at our school desks as we had been for days. Two nights ago I left. The others stayed. I have a friend down the row. They are looking at a girl. She is wearing my clothes. I want them to look at me. It’s recess. I approach the teacher. (Our desks are old and round wood.) I am being called from the window - someone wants to eat with me, drink with me. Who is it? It doesn’t really matter but when I listen closer I hear it is my sister.

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Mr. Nagi has been hanging his head in the garden every day for almost 40 years.
Nagi casually said: "Well, it's all about enriching the garden."

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In these 60s french films lots of walking around on the street, street scenes, strangers

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Like using amateur actors, releasing sound from non-musicians or people not trying to be one (amateur models, Margiela).
Mouchette, subtle social framing, drinking, conservatism and hypocrisies of small town life. Elicit the context thru what the characters do not necessarily thru words of explanation. In Blissfully Yours - “illegal” immigration. Short Cuts that starts with the spraying. Nashville a presidential election.

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On cheek grey as cliffs, skies. She flips and can. I flip but in one place. It’s different. I feel her one solution would be to move and stand behind her. I would. I would walk through that bright street to her. One hour, two, more for her. I want to hide my face. I want to clean the floor.

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Solomon names thee Compassion and that is the most beautiful of all thy names
Stripping away ten layers of wallpaper I find paintings hung there
I bend with some sadness over

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Warm butter in the evening, with lime and salt. Coming up finally not since maybe - uncomfortable memory, present fright. On the path, young at my side, card in hand - feeling young. Every one after could be dancer, signs, my harbinger, ongoing, the little spot at back of neck reacting. Incredible capability to remember. I was never the winner only a way - when I was 11 or 12 I was taken out of the schoolroom one day. Do we shop? We made a salad maybe? A parfait.

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They never say my or mine. They have nothing of their own and must cherish nothing. As soon as they are beginning to cherish an object, they give it up.

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It exists. It is there. If it had no me, the me would be its limit. It would not be infinite. It would not be me. But it is. It has me. This is the limit.

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In the convent there was the only copy ever printed of a book no-one was allowed to read

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Yellow mud

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Not seeing people permits us to imagine them with every perfection

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Can one hyperlink open two or more pages at the same time?

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On a street, in a junk shop, in a drawer

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My desire for her is ofc physical/present/based in our immediate interactions, but also very much fantastical. She is a real fantasy, someone I can tangibly fantasize about because I know, eventually, we will be together again. She is the realest fantasy I have. Togetherness is only one part of being. The feeling of being away from her is also so important, how she exists for me when we are apart.

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The task of writing a novel is putting into words all these fleeting thoughts and impressions I have that feel or become familiar. Also just documenting humans and their folly.

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She’s like this slow moving clay,

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When there are none, there can never be a situation where your mother or father or friends wonder at your satisfaction, your overwhelming love, your frantic desire, your idiotic loss (you the stone now, or the hilarious moss)

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August 11 - consider before making any action, but not every action.
It would be good to have entertainment and ceremonies that were not meant to distract us but to remind us of everything all at once.

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The curtain fell because the wind is blowing a little bit.
-Harryette Mullen

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119 W Broadway, Cafe Albert. Went to bottom floor, playing Chopin. Tourists and people lined up on the stairs. Start singing. Really fancy dressed people two people on guitar. Nuns. Start to climb up staircase in thin tower where you are basically scaling rungs. Behind me a cook that then disappears. Turns into a ladder eventually. Come out in Cafe Albert. Necklace has broken. Carrying a wad of glad wrap that sticks to a book that is lining the tower as I exit. I’m laughing because it is ridiculous. Very fancy dress. Woman in a pink silk ball gown with pearls smiles at me gently. Find out my sister and her friends are there. Unaware there would be friends. Need to go back to school by 3:50 it is 3:15. In all my dreams lately people I know have been wearing my clothes.

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June 04
We are in a crappy/old fashioned kind of Italian restaurant sitting at a little two top. We are talking about crushes and she says “Who is your crush like that?” and I say “Well everyone, you” and then she looks at me in a way and takes my hand maybe and then comes to sit on my lap and starts kissing me. Either I am in a pleated schoolgirl mini skirt or she is, I don't remember. It is getting kind of hot and I get nervous coz we are in public in a restaurant but she does not seem to care. I think how it would be hot if we got kicked out. We haven’t ordered. Somehow she is kissing me. I wonder if anyone will come over to take my order soon.

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Lewis Thomas is always writing about humans and animals as a social species, the ways that we try to figure out how to become successfully interdependent, thru communication.

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Meanwhile, the preparants go on, the dreamlike rituals are rehearsed
-Lewis Thomas, but sounds like Ashbery

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The expressiveness of drawn lines, what it captures, how tracing can dull it- want to impart the feeling of the spontaneous and satisfying drawn line to writing.

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I am so thankful.
I am so grateful.
I love my life.
I’m a little nervous.

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“Rhyme...contains something. It resists it from spilling over. It gives it shapes. Rhyme is the oldest trick of the trade.”
-Akhil Katyal

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Euphrosine of Opole

in the battle of Varna on the shores of the Black Sea. The king's body was never found

The tapestries caused a sensation because of the nude figures of Adam and Eve. "Paradise Felicity" was hung in the church causing the monks to flee in panic "from so great a temptation."

Panagyricus nupticium, Sigismund i Augusti Poloniae Regis (1553)

King Philip II of Spain (1527-1598) commissioned the first reedition of this series from Willem de Pannemaker. This edition (1553-1556) sank in the sea on the way to Spain in 1559, in the port of Loredo.

King Sigismund III Lying in State, Warsaw, 1632

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Be compassionate, patient, honest, communicative, measured
Focus on positive things in your life not negative things

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Feeling-making-knowing feedback loop; cartography of feeling; water as text, read to know the land beneath and around it, and body as reader.
- Dispersed Holdings

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When you’re too careful it just turns into a different kind of carelessness.
-Marlon James

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Five tricks set out like a plate on a table and left to see what lands

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Hannah Primrose, Countess of Rosebery.

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I bleed on a rock that maybe an animal will find and remember.

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Susan Howe’s family is wealthy, upper class. Her grandfather a colonialist in Nigeria. Descendant of Longfellows. Father went to Harvard. One of her ancestors married Herman Melville’s aunt.

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Charles Reznikoff said law was too much work for a poet, where as he could write his poems in the hours spent waiting in Macy’s for the buyer to show up (as a salesman for his father’s hat business).

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In other words-
Stretching onions,
washing tomatoes,
dancing peppers,
playing pumpkin organs,
yawning carrots.

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wool puff snagged by thistle as sheep runs down the mountain

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False tower path
Full well, empty well
Randomly there are snails on the path
By yellow trees -normal

No mineral. Sparkle of glass
Ant, ant
red ant
ants burned up in the sun

looking for a- home